Do you remember the first time?

Thought I would post the boy's birth story...

Joseph was due on Wednesday, February 4, 04. I hadn't had a very easy pregnancy and by the time we were getting close to my due date I just couldn't wait to get it over and done with and be a mummy.
My friend had given birth on Tuesday, January 27 to her little girl Amy and that made me want it all the more.
On Thursday, January 29, I started to have pains at night. My tummy was tightening and the pains would become more frequent (up to 5 mins apart) and were enough to keep me awake but not horrendously painful.
By morning (Fri) they had died off again only to start that night and I had another sleepless night. Again things eased during the day and came back on Sat night.
When I woke on Sunday I had difficulty walking as it seemed baby had dropped really low. The pains continued then throughout the day going from 15 mins apart to 10 to 5 to 15 to 20 to 5 etc etc. I was at this stage very tired and very emotional so we phoned the maternity unit who asked that I come in to be looked at.
When we arrived (Sunday night) I was examined and told my cervix was effaced by not dilating - however blood and urine tests revealed ++ of protein and my blood pressure was elevated. My notes were taken off me and I was told I would not be going home without my baby.
I did not sleep that night - the pains were bearable but I was anxious as I was told they would most likely induce me the following morning.
The morning came and due to a backlog in the labour ward I was told I would not be induced and they would continue to monitor me over the course of the week (while I stayed on bedrest due to continued increased BP and protein).That night the pains had returned and I spent a lot of time kneeling on the floor over the edge of the bed to get comfy.
My family had come to visit and once they and DH had left I settled down to read Cosmo and listen to some music. It was about 9.30pm. I felt a pop - a strange feeling and thought something was not right. I stood up thinking if I just go to the toilet I'll see if my waters have gone not realising that with waters you can't exactly hold them in!!!
My waters had indeed gone - everywhere! And I was given sterile pads to wear and examined. I was 1cm and told I would most likely have my baby by morning.
I phoned my mum and DH although neither were allowed to come up to the ward so I was on my own.
I didn't sleep that night. Pains were niggling til about 12 and then started to come more regularly and get quite painful.
By 5am I was exhausted (and terrified) and asked for help / pain relief / if I could have DH come up.
I was given 2 paracetamol and told to take a bath. The bath was dirty - I had to clean it first and I just cried and cried. DH would only be allowed in after 8am. The pains - although in hindsight not severe - were now coming every five minutes. At around 8 a midwife came and did an internal and told me I was 5-6 cms. I felt at least relieved that the pain I had been through overnight was achieving something. She then said she would get her colleague to give her opinion. Thus came the midwife from hell. She did her internal and I had a mad contraction, which she persisted through. I think, in hindsight, she was doing a stretch then as I bled quite heavily afterwards. I cried and was then terrified of any further internals. She told me I was only 1-2 cms dilated.
I felt utterly gutted.
My mum arrived and I asked for tens or gas and air. I was given a tens but not gel or pads to attach it and told that there was only one canister of gas and air in the ward and it was in use. I had a shower and then tried to rest.
I was told to keep walking about and yet my BP was still up and just 24 hours earlier I was shouted at if I even so much moved out of the bed.
By lunchtime I was not feeling great. A lovely, lovely midwife came and chatted to me. She did an internal assuring me that if a contraction started she would stop straight away and told me I was 2-3 cms. She also got the b-feeding midwife to talk to me about feeding as I was on anti-depressants.Within an hour I was told I was going to the labour ward where I would be put on syntocin.
As I stood up to walk down to the ward I had a doozy of a contraction and I could not talk / move/ breath for the duration. I think that was my first real hint of what labour was really like.
My mum walked me and DH down to the ward but was not allowed in. I cried as we said goodbye knowing that when I saw her again I would be a mum myself. I then had a minor freak out when I saw the delivery room thinking I was actually going to give birth.
I had gas and air and sat on the rocking chair until the anaesthetist was free (about 5.30) to give me an epidural. He gave me the jab, while I cried and cried, but it did not work. My legs felt a little heavy but I had no relief from the pain of contractions.I was put on the syntocin and holy moly it really, really started to work.
Contractions came on top of each other and although I was drifting off between then it felt as if there was no respite.
By 10.30pm I was 9cms dilated and emotionally not doing very well. The lovely midwife who was with me broke all the rules and let my mum in for 10 mins (while DH went for a pee!!! ). Mum says I was so out of it she thought I was on pethidine.
When DH came back I got ready to push. For the first couple of pushes it REALLY hurt and I didn't want to do it but my midwife and DH encouraged me and it felt as if my body just took over and the pushing after that was a really positive experience.
At 11.16pm on Tuesday, February 3, my boy was born weighing in at 6lb 90z. I was sooooo tired I did not feel that rush of love and although I held him and did all the things I should have done it felt very surreal and I felt completely shellshocked by the whole experience.
The love did come though - in spades.

Attempt to tell the boy: Part 2

The boy and I were snuggling this morning. We have this wee thing where I tell him he's nobody's baby but mammy's baby and then he tells me I'm nobody's mamma but his mamma.
So there I was telling him, well if mammy had another baby she would be that baby's mammy too.
He nodded.
"Yes mammy, my baby brother would be your baby too. Or my sister. I'd like a sister."
"Would you Joseph, would you like it if mammy got a wee baby in her tummy?"
He thought for a moment and snuggled in close. I prepared myself for unique mother/ son bonding moment. Maybe he would kiss my tummy and tell the wee pip inside he loved it.
"I think," he started, "I would like a pet instead. A kitten. Yes, I'd like a kitten."

I think I'm going to drop the subject for a while.

Attempts to tell the boy: Part 1

The boy, who is four and a half, has been talking about wanting a baby brother (to be called Steve Orange) or a baby sister (to be called Poppy) for a long time.
We haven't told him our news yet but yesterday as he was crying about wanting a kitten we sat him down and said we couldn't have a kitten because we might be getting something else.

"Would you like a kitten or a baby brother or sister?"
"Kitten, please."

I kind of asked for that, didn't I?